Hello, Lovelies. Today I have a different type of post for you. I have recently gone through a new chapter in my life that was not such a "good" one; one that I have been super reluctant to talk about. I have had so many mixed emotions and so many fears about it. I even contemplated not posting it, but I feel that I have been given a platform that I can not NOT talk about it. I mean, I blog to help and inspire others. If I just brushed this under the rug, then I would be giving up the perfect opportunity to do just that. If it helps just one person, then I am serving my purpose. I need you to know that God is good even when things do not feel good - something I just recently re-learned.
I know that through my social media platforms, I tend to portray my life as always being completely happy and blissful all of the time. Well, I am here to tell you straight up, it just is not and was not for awhile. I have been completely under the cloud so to speak. I am going to be honest, I also feel like it has taken me way too long to pick myself up from this. I actually even thought a few times that I would quit blogging altogether and delete all of my socials. It was that bad. It is a lot easier said than done to not be angry in bad circumstances, especially when I claim to give it all to HIM. I am just grateful for his grace.
On August 15, I found out that I was pregnant. I was terrified and excited and happy and scared all at once. It was such a strange and indescribable feeling. I knew before I even tested that I was. I can not tell you how I knew, I just did. I did not even tell Jereme before I tested. I just woke up super early and did it. I think I was so terrified because just a few days before, I had witnessed my nephew's birth and at that moment I was never so certain that I would never have babies- EVER. Then there I was. Pregnant. That is how I know God has a sense of humor.
I wrote Jereme a cheesy poem on our bathroom mirror to tell him the news and recorded his reaction. We waited a whole weekend (which was close to impossible by the way) to tell his mom (and dad) because we wanted to surprise her for her birthday. We recorded their reactions as well. We did all the little exciting things to prepare for an announcement that unknowing to us, we would not have.
Shortly after we got excited and after we told the close loved ones, I showed signs of miscarriage. I will spare you the yucky details, but I will say that it was horrible. I spent a solid month in and out of the doctors office taking so many tests and two of those weeks I had to spend on the couch. I had to take awful synthetic progesterone that gave me a weird reaction. I got oh so sick. We spent the entire month not knowing whether there was a healthy pregnancy or not. Let me just say, that is a LONG time to wait for something like that. The progesterone and h.c.g levels were not too convincing, but hey were rising so we did have hope. They just were not rising like they should have been, and then... they stopped.
When the doctor called to tell me, I could tell he was so uncomfortable. I knew immediately. He went through the motions of "women want to know what they did wrong" and "sometimes this just happens". I just stopped him. I did not need an explanation for something that is unexplainable. I just needed to know one way or the other and what to expect so that I could deal accordingly.
Lest I forget, have you seen the label on all prescriptions that say "If you experience any of the following symptoms, call your doctor immediately."? Well, I had five of the seven severe symptoms. Physically I felt so terrible. Let me also mention that I had to get one of those horribly disgusting and painful ultra-sounds that every girl is too embarrassed to mention.I never knew why, but now I do. Those are NOT fun. Not only that, my hair started breaking off. Handfuls are still falling out. So much of it fell out, that I am still so embarrassed of what it looks like. Did I mention that this situation was horrible?
I remember when I found out, I was in prayer and I said, "Lord, I do not FEEL ready for this, but I trust your plan over my own. If this is going to happen, then I will totally ROCK IT. If not, I will still praise you and thank you for more time alone with Jereme. Either way can you just let me know?" Now before I say this I do not want you to think that I gave up because that is not the case. After I finished my prayer, I was hit with a calm about it, but I knew that it was not going to happen. I felt almost relieved because I knew what the outcome would be and I knew it was the Lord's peace.
Other than the obvious of losing a baby, by far the worst part of it was seeing Jereme so upset. Our situation was not planned, but he was none the less happy about it. When I called him in the bathroom to tell him the bad news, he was so strong at first. Then he went to get me a drink and I heard him lose it as he walked back up to the door. At that moment, my heart was shattered. It made me feel like a loser of a woman because my body could not do one of the main things it is supposed to do. I felt like I also let him down even though it was completely out of my control. It was first time I have seen him full on cry and that was HORRIBLE.
Flashing forward three and a half months, you might be shocked to hear that I have compiled a list of things that I am thankful for out of this horrible situation. I am thankful that it happened early enough that being pregnant had not actually had the chance to sink in yet. I am thankful that it was early enough to not have known the gender. I am thankful that we had not announced it yet. I am thankful that Jereme and I can enjoy just the two of us alone for a little bit longer. I am thankful that my hair grows extremely fast and will be back to normal in no time (hopefully). I am thankful for praying friends and family. I am thankful for a whole month of not having to do the cat litter during that time. I am thankful for the abundance of help that he gave us to help with the doctor bills and the well wishes and the encouragement. Most of all, I am thankful that God gave me peace.
Things do not always look the way we think they should, but I find that it is so important to find the good in all situations. We may not can figure out God's plan for us, but some day it will all be revealed. We can not control rainbows or sunshine, but we can control what we do during them. Things may be hard but it is not over until it is over, and in the waiting we will praise His name. You CAN make it through anything with God. I promise you can. No matter how hard things may appear, I want you to know that this too shall pass. If you have to, start naming the things you are thankful for and remind yourself that there is ALWAYS someone who is worse off than you. There is always someone that loves you and things will get better. HE promises it and HE ALWAYS keeps his promises.
If I have managed to keep you around until the end of this post, I thank you. Yes, we are doing okay, but I ask you to pray for us during this time. We are not certain of what the due date would have been or what day we actually "lost" it. We do not even know the date that we got pregnant. The only thing we are certain of is the date that we found out. So that is the date that I will remember. 8.15.15. I want to leave you with our favorite scriptures. Thank you for all of your prayers, support, and encouragement. Thank you so much for stopping by.
“11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.”
“11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”